The ultimate guide to becoming a professional bag holder and making your financial advisor cry. Follow these sacred rules and achieve legendary degen status.
Carved into the blockchain by the gods of degeneracy
Why have one failing investment when you can have 47? Diversification is key. Spread your $200 across 30 different coins. Now you can watch 30 charts crash simultaneously. This is called portfolio management. Financial advisors hate this one simple trick.
Food? Optional. Rent? Negotiable. Hopium? ESSENTIAL. You survive on dreams, memes, and the belief that your $83 portfolio will become $83 million. Your friends say 'Be realistic'. You say 'Realism is for quitters'. You're not delusional. You're optimistic. There's a difference. (There isn't.)
Draw random lines on charts. Call them support and resistance. When you're wrong, draw more lines. TA is 50% lines, 50% vibes, 100% confidence. You're basically a fortune teller but with more triangles. And less accuracy. But way more conviction.
Every pump is THE pump. Every dip is THE dip. This time it's real. This time it's different. It's never different. But your conviction is unshakeable. This is called pattern recognition failure. Or optimism. Definitely failure.
Your family says you have a problem. You say they don't understand innovation. They say you've lost $10,000. You say you've gained experience. They say you need help. You say you need more capital. This is called having different priorities. Or being in denial. Definitely denial.
Down 10%? Buy. Down 50%? Buy more. Down 90%? MORTGAGE THE HOUSE. Every dip is a gift. A blessing. An opportunity. You're not catching a falling knife. You're catching a falling opportunity. This is called dollar-cost averaging. Or financial ruin. Probably ruin.
Guy in Telegram says he knows a whale? Definitely true. Anonymous account says 'trust me bro'? Trustworthy. Someone's cousin works at Coinbase? Inside information. Every tip is golden. Every source is reliable. This is called networking. Or gullibility. Both.
Market cap $10 billion? Still early. Market cap $100 billion? Room to grow. Market cap higher than GDP of small countries? BULLISH. Market cap is just a number. A meaningless number. Like your bank balance. Both don't matter. This is called optimism.
Devs abandoned the project? Community takeover. Devs rugged? Community takeover. Devs never existed? COMMUNITY TAKEOVER. Every disaster is an opportunity. Every rug is a new beginning. The community will save it. The community is 4 people. But they're dedicated.
Hold long enough and you'll be rewarded. How? Doesn't matter. When? Eventually. By who? The universe. Diamond hands always win. Even when they lose. Especially when they lose. This is called karma. Or cope. Definitely cope.